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Jim Porter

(Came across this ditty in some old word-processing files (you can always tell when I've been on the word-processor by the amount of white-out on the screen!).

The following axioms, variations of the Murphy Laws as applied to bass anglers, have been fully field tested and verified under actual fishing conditions. The author declines all responsibility if they fail to apply to you. You are obviously not trying hard enough!
  • Whichever boat ramp line you choose, no matter how short, will be the slowest.
  • Beware of weather forecasts. Even if it is clear and warm, it will surely change.
  • If, after traveling ten miles down the lake, you suspect that you may have forgotten something, there is no doubt that you have. (Example: Approaching dark clouds are a sure indication that the rain suits are back in the car.)
  • The one special crank plug that you managed to find at K-Mart last night is the only one ever manufactured that can't be tuned to run correctly.
  • Your worst backlashes always occur on a cold day in a driving rain. Slight overruns are reserved for sunny days.
  • Nature's call always waits until you have donned a snowmobile suit over the top of six other layers of clothing and are one mile from the nearest shoreline-which, incidentally, is a sheer bluff bank.
  • Rain suits never leak until Winter.
  • The best things in life are not free; they are darned expensive.
  • Bass bite best on two specific occasions-the day before and the day after.
  • All fishermen are created equal. It only APPEARS that some are more equal than others. -Any time you run out of gas on the way to the lake, the nearest gas station WILL be closed.
  • If your bassin' partner has a lure that the fish are eating up, rest assured that it is the only one in the boat.
  • When you run out of gas on the lake, you are the last boat out there.
  • New line always breaks.
  • Lures never hang up in shallow cover, only on deep limbs.
  • In a draw tournament on a strange lake, your partner will NEVER be a local pro.
  • Five tackle boxes, a paper sack of new lures and a coat pocket full of new Durango Kid masked worms practically insures that you will NOT have the one lure the bass are hitting that day.
  • If you don't think it will make any difference, it will. (Examples: corroded battery terminals; frayed wiring; loose drain plug; inoperative bilge pump.)
  • When the heavy rains crease and the 40 MPH winds finally subside, your outboard motor will not crank.
  • Mud sticks best to clean shoes; but, comes off easily on the carpet of a bass boat.
  • Dry lures catch few bass.
  • Unless you are continually stepping on it, the net is NOT in the boat.
  • The wind only blows on my part of the lake.
  • Any bass lost, but not seen, surely weighed 14 pounds.
  • If the tournament is important enough, you'll wind up at the wrong boat ramp.
  • Drain plugs are specifically made to be forgotten.
  • Trolling motor batteries are always charged, except when they're not.
  • Bilge pumps only work in dry weather.
  • Assuming you took your time to read this far, I did not waste mine.


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