THE FISHERMAN'S DICTIONARY
(or, 'How To Tell Fish From Fishermen')
By Jim Porter
After many years of vainly attempting to become smarter than the fish we chase after, we have amassed bulky volumes of data on angling. Sifting through this material, we have generated some terms and definitions, which seem to apply rather well, though we often seem to be still 17 points lower on the intelligence scale than a Carp. With the sincere belief that this information might be of help to other bass anglers, we now throw caution to the wind and open our coffers of knowledge.
FISHERMAN - A jerk at one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other end. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting…………! Has a larger boat payment than house payment. Wife's earrings are a pair of shellacked crappie jigs.
BOAT - A hole in the water, surrounded by fiberglass, wood and/or metal, into which you throw money. (While waiting, and waiting, and waiting………...!)
WORM ROD - A pool cue which has been modified by the additions of line guides and a reel seat. It usually has a small winch attached, filled with line that could be used to tie down Godzilla.
ULTRALIGHT ROD - Comparable to a piece of starched 20-pound monofilament line. Is used for small fish or by lazy anglers. It offers great sport until a big fish hits; then it becomes a producer of "expletives deleted".
GRAPHITE ROD - A stick made of graphite or graphite-composite material. It has somewhat less elasticity than fiberglass; performs 10 percent better than fiberglass; costs 400 percent more than fiberglass. It is extremely helpful in reducing a checkbook balance.
LURES - Pieces/combinations of wood/plastic/metal designed to catch fishermen, first, and fish, second. Extremely effective year round in ultra-bright colors such as hot orange, chartreuse, and fire tiger when fished waist-high on the center shelf of a tackle store with a big 'SALE!' sign overhead.
FAVORITE LURE - Any lure which has caught a fish, or gained at least three strikes.
MAGIC LURE - Authentic genuine imitation of an old Cree Indian fish slayer lure. Quickly identified by the section of the advertisement which reads: "All for only $19.95, plus $6.50 S&H. Order NOW and get a second Bubbling Whiznat free as our gift to you. Mail before midnight and we get your money sooner."
FISHING GUIDE - A gentleman or lady who can show you where they were jumping into the boat yesterday and will probably do so again tomorrow. He runs the boat, tells outrageous stories and smells a lot like fish. (Uses an old Indian secret fish attractant on his shirt and behind the ears; knows that advertising helps.)
FISH SCALES - The outer covering of many fish. Also, a device used to describe a device to weigh fish. Normally weighs two pounds light. Correction factor is to divide indicated weight by two and multiply by three.
GOOD FISH - Any fish, which can be caught, snagged or stolen off a trotline.
EXPERT FISHERMAN - One who has caught three or more bass. Is easily identified by the vast array of depth finders, pH meters, oxygen probes, 17 fully rigged rods, and seven tackle boxes which easily hold half of a discount store sporting goods department. Requires a 20-foot boat just to float all his gear. Empty live well is readily explained by moon tables, tide charts, weather, other boat traffic, and the Farmer's Almanac.
BEGINNER FISHERMAN - One who fishes with the expert. He is easily identified, in that he is catching all the fish.
EATING FISH - Any bass too small to show off and brag about.
'TOO-BIG-TO-EAT' FISH - Any bass worth dragging around to show-off and brag about, until it has spoiled and must be thrown out.
FISH ATTRACTANT - An overpriced bottle of some foul-smelling concoction designed to substitute for confidence and fishing ability. The worse it smells, the better it is said to be. Masks lingering perfume odors from those modified weekend fishing trips. Keeps the dog off your favorite chair (and most everyone else out of the room). Takes the plaque off your teeth well (possibly the enamel, too.)
FAVORITE LAKE - That body of water that produced good strings of too-big-to-eat bass six years ago. It is today overrun by speedboats, skiers, and hydroplanes disguised as bass boats. It is an ideal place to find high winds (weekends only), green slime and discarded beer cans. It is a place devoid of wildlife, which have left it to the whims of Man.
While this material was written for you in a humorous vein, there are some very subtle 'truths' therein.
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A common question that we get: "Is there somewhere close to get bait and tackle?" This is where we get our bait.
Pete and Tina Heinz / 9 South Mulberry St. / Fellsmere, FL 32948 / 772-571-9855
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